And then Dagmar left…

It’s Wednesday and I am driving across town to see Dagmar. For those who have followed the last blog, she has been diagnosed as terminally ill in July. My first video was recorded on August 1 and you can see that the disease has taken a strong hold on her body.

When I walked through the door and into her room I was shocked and had to brace myself. This body did not resemble the woman I know. I want you to keep your wonderful memories and not replace them with what I saw that day but it was tough. I had not been filming for the last month.

That morning I went into my daughters room and selected a stack of children books to read to Dagmar. So there I sat on the most uncomfortable wooden chair doing the best I could to read the books with the same enthusiasm as if I read it to a child. And in a way that is not so far stretched because Dagmar had many childlike qualities. She laughed a little too loud, wore clothes that were perhaps not always quite appropriate and when she told a story she did it with the sincerity of a child.

I read the books “Where the Wild Things Are”, “What is Love” and “Briefe von Felix” which is about the adventures of a toy rabbit who accidentally went on the wrong plane and ended up traveling the world.

It is said that the hearing goes last so I just told her that I knew she could hear me, wished her a wonderful journey, assured her that her work here was done and encouraged her to let go when she was ready. I knew this would be the last time I would see her alive.

My daughter Gina who is now 17 and the voice in the video must have known because she canceled her date on Wednesday evening to hang and snuggle with me. We ate a huge piece of chocolate mousse and a fruit tart with appropriate civilized amounts of hot teas in honor of Dagmar’s sweet tooth. The fire place was going and we watched our favorite shows. I pulled out Dagmar pictures and put them on the mantle. I woke up briefly before midnight and when I woke up again in the morning I felt that she had left. I turned on my phone and got this message:

Dear Friend of Dagmar:

Wednesday at 11:30 p.m. our magnificent Dagmar opened her wings took flight.

Peace to all.

Barbara

The message made me cry instantly and still I marvel at how Barbara could put everything in this one sentence. Dagmar referred to her as her angel and I had to promise to watch over Barbara once she left. There are no words to describe what Barbara has done for Dagmar and on her behalf. All I can say is “Thank You.”

The two videos I made were done knowing that Dagmar would depart. I wanted to create a moment of selfish comfort so I can see and hear her when I miss her. And I wanted to be able to share this with her friends after she left so that you can take comfort in the courage she had and how she spiritually mastered her fear and accepted and embraced the next steps of her journey.

Dagmar said to me that she didn’t know that she had that many friends who cared so much about her and she was truly humbled by it. She didn’t think she had exactly been Mother Theresa and the outpouring of love was very emotional for her. By no means had I been the closest of her friends over many years but she knew when to call on me. Perhaps she also knew that I would create what I am creating now to give those who loved her a few last visual moments of comfort.

The second time I took my daughter because I knew that Dagmar would liven up being around her spunkyness and sure enough the two had a grand time. When Gina sang for Dagmar I can still see that little smile lingering around her mouth as she closed her eyes and just listened. It only dawned on me how timely the piece was Gina choose to sing when I edited the video finally yesterday.

All throughout yesterday I literally could hear Dagmar screaming as her spirit was roaming around and assuring me how much she loved it and how “unbelievable” this experience was for her. I truly feel that she is having a watchful eye on all of us and having the time of her life. They will be having their hands full in heaven with her now and that makes me giggle. Little did they know!

I encourage you to post your comments about what you remember about Dagmar on this blog. It is important that we share our great moments with her and the wild experiences you might have had.

Here is what I have received already:

Hi Beate,

I just don’t know how to thank you enough for these beautiful videos of my dear friend Dagmar.

I wanted to come to LA to be with Dagmar and help with her care – she was always there for me, such a great and special friend..  I moved back here to Connecticut primarily to care for my mom.  Unfortunately she has not been well and it just wasn’t possible for me to leave.  So, I was feeling so far away and so alone when I received the news.  The videos allowed me to be with Dagmar again and remember all the good times (I remember your house in that first video!).  The second video reminded me of the inspiration she brought to my life – really captured her spirit, which is now flying high with all the other angels.

Thank you for this beautiful gift. My heart goes out to you as we both try to imagine life without Dagmar.  I feel her presence, her spirit and her love and know that she is at peace.

Sending you love and light,
Linda

Thank you, thank you, thank you, for sending along these dear videos of Dagmar. I will keep them with me. (The singing brought me to tears of joy).…
With love,
Elaine

Dear Friends of Dagmar,

I’ve been living away from LA for many years, but stayed in close touch with Dagmar by phone and email.  Beate’s videos showed me a little of the progress of Dagmar’s disease – the toll it was taking on her physically. But more importantly, it reminded me of the determination Dagmar had to squeeze as much out of her life as possible – and she shared this lesson with all of us every time we spoke with her. Thanks, Beate. Seeing these videos made me feel just a little bit better about losing Dagmar, and inspired me to include a photo of my own with a few thoughts.

I saw Dagmar in person nearly every day for a week starting two weeks before she passed. As I said, she showed us all how to live, but by her example she also showed us how to exit this world with dignity and grace. She was allowed that dignity in part by the presence and persistence of a few incredible friends. Thank you, Barbara. Thank you, Vicki. She referred to you as two of her angels. Forgive me if there are others I’m not mentioning.

There are so many things about Dagmar that stand out. One of my favorites was her big laugh – the one where she would laugh so hard she was gasping for breath. I can’t imagine anyone will ever again find me so funny – whether I am or not. Dag and I often spoke about traveling to Berlin together. But we both agreed that if she didn’t make it back to Germany, the journey upon which she was about to embark would be far more amazing than any in this world. During our last conversation, she referred to this final journey using the title of her children’s book, “What a Ride!” She said, and I quote, “It takes on a totally new meaning, doesn’t it?” I can’t think of anything better to describe the life and future travels of my friend, Dagmar. What a ride.

Bon voyage

Tschuss

XO

Dagmar 3-7-06

Thank you, Mark, for sharing these beautiful experiences of being w/Dagmar. I only got to spend a short time with her on this Earth, but my impression of her was just the same, of her packing and infusing a whole lot of joy, passion, and power into each moment she shared with others, and so willing to open herself to both fully give and receive. What a great teacher and a great friend. I am so grateful to have had her in my life. “What a Ride” connotates something that’s FUN, exciting, and an adventure. This ride/life—sometimes too short, but well worth the price of admission! Then we get to just jump on the next one….

With love,
Elaine Nakashima (friend in Santa Barbara)

Thank you so much for sharing this wonderful remembrance of Dagmar, I have passed it on to a few of her other friends that have helped in the last 2 months.

Blessings,
Chris

Thank you so much, I feel so much comfort from her through these….

Jeannette Miss

Thank you for this beautiful gift!
Barbara, you are an angel!
Please let me know if there is a service. I will be in the MidWest until October 27th but I would like to send flowers. With love, Marion

Dagmar be at peace.  You will be missed. xoxo Frederique & Paloma

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